I have 3 sons and I think the first and possibly most important thing to do with boys is to allow them their full humanity. The acceptable definition of what a boys is and what he can do and wear and feel and look like is so so so narrow. We've reached a point where we can cheer girls when they say they want to be a <insert any job that used to occupied by only men > but watch even the most liberal parent recoil inside when their son is like I want to be a nurse or a sahd or I'd like to take ballet. Studies have shown that parents talk less with boys about emotions and that they even start to reduce physical contact with boys starting barely out of their toddler years. I fought hard against gender stereotypes in terms of clothes and toys etc but the influence of friends and school and media is overwhelming and worse our own internalized expectations. . I once recoiled when one of my sons was 3 or 4 because he stopped to admire a skirt at a store. He saw my face and pulled his hand back like he'd touched something hot. I felt awful but the damage was done. So I say let your son cry, encourage it even ... teach him about the full range of emotions and that no feelings are bad (but you are accountable for what you do with them ), Let him decide what he wears. The rainbow is for everyone is a phrase I learned from my son's preschool teacher. It's hard bc the boys section is so dull but it's worth the effort. Even my teen still wears pinks and purples ! Point out pretty things. Encourage him to admire adorable little babies and their tiny toes. Have him cook with you. And never ever stop the cuddles. The rest comes later and if you're already thinking about it, you'll find your way for sure.
Our next door neighbors’ are raising their first child - a boy. And they are doing everything they can to encourage no- gender specific interests in their books and toys and of course, their own behaviors in how they treat each other, divide chores, etc. And try as they might his main interest as a 1 year old is cars, trucks and big construction equipment! To get him to stop crying all they have to do is stand on the corner and let him watch vehicles pass!
I know you will do your best, that is all we can do…❤️
great read. our boy is on the way in the next few weeks and we are facing the same conundrums and asking ourselves the same questions. we haven’t gotten any further than well rounded upbringing avoiding indoctrinations that limit world views rather than expanding on them. feels more like a over-wordy slogan than an actual achievable hope at the moment. will let you know how that goes…please do share any wisdom you might encounter!
I’m so happy for you both, Nikesh!! One thing my therapist (thank god) said to me when I brought this up which is helpful to remember when spiraling was that it was significant that I was already thinking about this. I JUST bought How to Raise a Feminist Son by Sonora Jha, will let you know my findings!
I have 3 sons and I think the first and possibly most important thing to do with boys is to allow them their full humanity. The acceptable definition of what a boys is and what he can do and wear and feel and look like is so so so narrow. We've reached a point where we can cheer girls when they say they want to be a <insert any job that used to occupied by only men > but watch even the most liberal parent recoil inside when their son is like I want to be a nurse or a sahd or I'd like to take ballet. Studies have shown that parents talk less with boys about emotions and that they even start to reduce physical contact with boys starting barely out of their toddler years. I fought hard against gender stereotypes in terms of clothes and toys etc but the influence of friends and school and media is overwhelming and worse our own internalized expectations. . I once recoiled when one of my sons was 3 or 4 because he stopped to admire a skirt at a store. He saw my face and pulled his hand back like he'd touched something hot. I felt awful but the damage was done. So I say let your son cry, encourage it even ... teach him about the full range of emotions and that no feelings are bad (but you are accountable for what you do with them ), Let him decide what he wears. The rainbow is for everyone is a phrase I learned from my son's preschool teacher. It's hard bc the boys section is so dull but it's worth the effort. Even my teen still wears pinks and purples ! Point out pretty things. Encourage him to admire adorable little babies and their tiny toes. Have him cook with you. And never ever stop the cuddles. The rest comes later and if you're already thinking about it, you'll find your way for sure.
I will say, as a mom of two boys, that boys benefit from more discipline and boundaries tbh.
Our next door neighbors’ are raising their first child - a boy. And they are doing everything they can to encourage no- gender specific interests in their books and toys and of course, their own behaviors in how they treat each other, divide chores, etc. And try as they might his main interest as a 1 year old is cars, trucks and big construction equipment! To get him to stop crying all they have to do is stand on the corner and let him watch vehicles pass!
I know you will do your best, that is all we can do…❤️
great read. our boy is on the way in the next few weeks and we are facing the same conundrums and asking ourselves the same questions. we haven’t gotten any further than well rounded upbringing avoiding indoctrinations that limit world views rather than expanding on them. feels more like a over-wordy slogan than an actual achievable hope at the moment. will let you know how that goes…please do share any wisdom you might encounter!
I’m so happy for you both, Nikesh!! One thing my therapist (thank god) said to me when I brought this up which is helpful to remember when spiraling was that it was significant that I was already thinking about this. I JUST bought How to Raise a Feminist Son by Sonora Jha, will let you know my findings!